


Bad at Love

by snowspriestess



Series: One Shots [17]
Category: Nikolai Series - Leigh Bardugo, The Grisha Trilogy - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: F/M, Female Friendship, proposal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-20
Updated: 2019-06-20
Packaged: 2020-05-15 11:41:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19295023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snowspriestess/pseuds/snowspriestess
Summary: She pulled away at the words, crossing her arms defensively. “You’re insane, Nikolai”, she hissed, trying to keep her voice down. “What is this, a proposal?” He shrugged. “Yes.” Zoya huffed. Her hands were trembling. “Well, I’m saying no.”





	Bad at Love

Nikolai was straying through the corridors of the castle, feeling a certain uneasiness creep over him. Several Grisha crossed his path, but naturally not the one person he was looking for. Zoya was not in her room and not in the war room either, which almost made him fearful she might be out with some other man. But he had no idea if Zoya even dated - or _had_ dated, before they had began seeing each other - and so he tried to push that particular thought away.

In the end he decided to stop by David’s workshop and ask him if he knew anything, since he also couldn’t find Genya.

As usual, the fabricator was bend over his work, not even hearing when Nikolai entered. “Good evening, David”, he noted.

David didn’t look up. “Your Highness”, he said flatly. “What can I do for you?”

Nikolai looked around the chaotic workshop. “Have you seen Zoya?” he wanted to know. “Or your wife, for that matter.”   
  
The mention of Genya made him look up. “They are with Tamar and Nadia”, he replied. “In Tamar’s rooms, I believe.” He turned back to his work. “Doing a _girl’s night,_ as I was told.”

Now that sounded like something Genya would enjoy. Zoya not so much, on the other hand. Nikolai nodded, thanking David and leaving the workshop. He didn’t wish to intrude, but he _really_ needed to speak to his General. She had been avoiding him all day, not even shown up to the Triumvirate’s meeting, delivering the excuse that she was _busy training soldiers._

Nikolai stopped in front of Tamar’s door, exhaling once before knocking. A few seconds passed, then Tamar was yelling “Come in!”. He followed the order, opening the door and stepping inside.

Honestly, it was a truly odd picture which awaited him. Tamar and Nadia were seated on the couch, Nadia’s head resting in her wife’s lap while she was feeding her strawberry’s. Genya was lying on the huge bed, pieces of paper spread out in front of her and was drawing. Her tailoring kit was lying next to her, and she was chatting to Zoya when he entered.

Zoya herself was spread out in one of the armchairs, her legs crossed beneath her. She had been reading files apparently, but was talking to Genya while nipping on a glass of wine. Nikolai was struck by how at ease she looked, how much _not_ like the General.

“Nikolai!” Genya announced his presence, waving from her spot on the bed.

Zoya’s back straightened immediately, and he could see the tension rushing through her body. It made him feel sad almost. “Can I borrow my General for a moment?” he asked, watching Zoya already standing up.

“Just bring her back”, Genya replied. “I have yet to tailor her hair.”

Zoya rolled her eyes. “I’m not drunk enough for that.” She gave Nikolai a questioning look. “What’s wrong?”   
  
He hinted at the door, holding it open for her. She seemed hesitant, but stepped outside all the same. Nikolai could feel her backing away from him.

“What is it?” Zoya asked again, with the tone of the Commander ready to step in to avoid disaster. She was studying his face.

For a second he didn’t know what to say. “I was going to ask you that question”, he said eventually.

Zoya raised a perfect eyebrow.

“You’re avoiding me”, Nikolai added. “And don’t try to deny it.”

She gave him an uneasy look, playing with the silk of her _kefta._ “I was busy”, she informed him.

That was a lie, and they were both aware. She wasn’t more busy than usual. “Is it because of yesterday?” Nikolai watched her face. “Because of what I said?” Looking back at it, he should have known she would react like this. He shouldn’t have told her.

Zoya stepped from one foot onto the other, but she kept her chin high. “Maybe”, she replied. Then added “You shouldn’t have said such a thing.”.

Nikolai took a step towards her. “What if it’s true?” The words were almost ringing in his ears now. _I love you._ Zoya had backed away the second the words had left his lips, eyes wide. She had looked like an animal driven into a corner. Did the mention of love truly frighten her so much?

“It can’t be”, she replied now. “You’ll have a queen to love soon enough.” Her eyes were meeting his, but he wasn’t buying it. He didn’t believe that she was indifferent about this.

Nikolai shook his head. “I’d rather have you.”   
  
Zoya’s stern expression wavered for a moment, before she pulled herself back together. “Don’t say these things”, she said, voice suddenly quiet. It sounded pleading.

He stepped closer, reaching for her. She didn’t draw away. He was not intending to give up this easily. “I mean it”, he said again. “You’ll make a great queen.” He hadn’t dared to propose it to her before, but there was no need to wait any longer. Especially since he was anticipation some discussions from Zoya’s side.

She pulled away at the words, crossing her arms defensively. “You’re insane, Nikolai”, she hissed, trying to keep her voice down. “What is this, a _proposal?”_

He shrugged. “Yes.”

Zoya huffed. Her hands were trembling. “Well, I’m saying no.”

When Alina had rejected him all those years ago, it had stung his pride more than anything. But this time Nikolai’s heart was truly in it. He sighed. “Zoya-”,  he began, trying to explain himself. But what could he say? _Please marry me because I can’t imagine ever wanting anyone else?_ Probably not a good option, knowing Zoya.

She was shaking her head now, already opening the door. “Forget it, Lantsov”, she muttered, slamming it shut behind herself. Nikolai sighed again, running a hand through his hair. This had not gone very well. Then again, it was Zoya. She only needed a little time to consider. Or so he was hoping.

 

Zoya sank back against the door, feeling the panic spiral through her body. She was aware that all the others were watching her, but she couldn’t be bothered in that moment. _You’ll make a great queen._ She was trying to slow her breathing. This was all wrong. It hadn’t been supposed to go this far.

Genya was sitting up on the bed, giving her a worried look. “What happened?” she wanted to know. Even Tamar and Nadia looked concerned.

Zoya sank down in the armchair again, her heart still racing. This could not be happening. She gave Genya a troubled look. Actually she wasn’t sure if Nadia and Tamar even knew about her and Nikolai, but Genya definitely knew. Which was why she looked so worried, perhaps. She knew it had nothing to do with Ravka.

Genya slipped to the edge of the bed in anticipation. “Come on, Zoya, just say it. How bad can it be?”

“It’s Ravka”, Tamar muttered. “Very bad.”

Zoya pressed her lips together. “Yesterday”, she began. She gave Tamar and Nadia a questioning look.

Nadia smiled reassuringly. “We know”, she simply said. “It’s hard to miss.”

Now that did not make her feel better. Zoya leaned back against the chair, crossing her arms. She felt three pairs of eyes on herself. “He said he loved me.” She cast a helpless glance at Genya.

Genya sighed deeply. “And you ran away.” She sounded entirely not surprised.   
  
Zoya frowned, offended. “You know as well as I do that it’s not supposed to happen.” It was easier to tell herself that than to think about the other possibilities. She was picking on a loose end of her _kefta,_ occupying her hands so they would stop shaking.

“So what happened just now?” Tamar jumped in.

Zoya ran a hand through her hair. “He asked me to become queen.” Speaking the words out loud hurt even more.   
  
Genya nearly fell from the bed. “ _Excuse me?”_ she shrieked. “Nikolai asked you to marry him? And you’re only saying that now?” She was close to yelling.   
  
Zoya gave her a weary look. “I said no.” She didn’t want to think about it, not think about the look in his eyes when she had said it. But if he didn’t care about Ravka’s future, she had to. Even if she had to break his heart in the process.

Genya was shaking her head. “You’re an idiot, Zoya.” It was almost endearing.

“I can’t become queen”, Zoya hissed back, seriously wondering why no one seemed to understand the problem. “I’m Grisha.” And a commoner, on top of that. The people would riot.

“So was the Sun Saint”, Tamar noted.

Zoya brushed her hair away from her face. “I’m not a Saint. I won’t be loved by the people.” And the country could not afford an unpopular Queen in times like this.   
  
Genya sighed. “Poor Nikolai. He really has poor taste in women.”

Nadia giggled. Zoya cast her an offended glance. “I’m an example for excellent taste”, she replied, fluffing her hair over her shoulder.

“Right”, Genya said, eyebrows raised. “Which was why you just rejected him.” She crooked her head to the side, narrowing her eyes. “You do love him, don’t you?”

Zoya felt herself shifting uneasily. “Of course I don’t”, she replied, not meeting Genya’s eyes. “Don’t be silly.”

Tamar was laughing. “She’s lying”, she declared. “Her heart just skipped a beat.”

Zoya felt her face heating up, casting an angry glance at the heartrender. “I don’t love him”, she repeated, this time with more determination in her voice.

“Then why have you been sleeping with him for the past weeks?” Tamar asked, grinning widely. Nadia was shoving another strawberry into her mouth.

Actually, that was quite the question. Zoya fell silent, for once out of words. Her brain really didn’t want her to come up with a snarky comment.

Genya shook her head again. “You’re really deep in denial.” Her lips curled up in a smirk. “But you wouldn’t manage to stay away from him anyway.”

Zoya snorted. “Of course I would.” Although both of them knew better. How many times had she told Genya _no more nightly visits to Nikolai’s chamber_ and how many times had she shown up the next morning with bruises on her neck which needed to be tailored away… She bit her lip. “What do I do if I can’t?” She allowed herself to glare at Genya.

Tamar was sighing. “I told you she would admit it”, she said to Genya, who was smiling, leaning forward to reach for Zoya’s hands.

“You’re telling Nikolai”, she replied, giving her an urgent look.

Zoya felt a new wave of panic seizing her. “What should I tell him?” Even the thought of that was frightening. Besides, there was still the problem of her being Queen.

Genya rolled her eye. “The truth, of course.” She sighed. “You’re a real piece of work, Zoya.” She added a gentle smile. “But Nikolai loves it.”

Zoya cast her a doubtful look. She didn’t quite believe that he was serious just yet. “Maybe”, she muttered in return. When it came to Nikolai, her usually unwavering self confidence came to a stop. She truly had no idea what he thought of her.

Genya seemed to sense that, since she frowned slightly. “Of course he does.”

“His heart is skipping beats around you too”, Tamar noted.

Zoya took a deep breath. “I’ll talk to him”, she allowed herself to say. “But I won’t accept the proposal.” They weren’t _that_ far along just yet.

Still, Genya was looking victorious. She prided herself on her ability to give great advice. “Can we tailor your hair now?” she cheered. “I think red would really bring out your eyes.”

Zoya made a face. “Definitely not.”

Genya pouted. “Blonde?” she tried. “The last time you looked so good!”

“I won’t face Nikolai with my hair being _blonde,_ Genya”, Zoya replied, the usual sharpness back in her voice. Finally. She was thankful to feel like herself again. Although that would probably not last.

They continued to sit together for some more time, Genya eventually tailoring Nadia’s hair since Zoya refused. Zoya herself emptied two more glasses of wine before she had the nerve to get up and make her way to Nikolai, under the watchful glances of the other’s. Genya gave her an encouraging smile as a goodbye, waving. _Don’t mess it up,_ she mouthed.

Zoya felt like she already had.

Still, Genya was right. She couldn’t stay away from him, even if she tried. And so she went back to the war room, since this was were he was usually working at this hour. Zoya didn’t bother to knock, just slipped inside soundlessly.

Nikolai was standing near the table, bend over a couple of files. A strand of golden hair had fallen into his eyes and for a moment Zoya froze, just staring at him. It looked like he was glowing in the dim light.

She cleared her throat to announce herself, making Nikolai jump a little.

“Some people knock before entering, Zoya”, he commented, but didn’t sound all too bothered.

She chose to ignore the comment. “We need to talk.”

Nikolai leaned his back against the table. “You think so?” His eyes were watching her attentively.

Zoya fell silent, suddenly not knowing what to say. Genya had told her to be honest, but what did that even mean? What were her honest thoughts about this?

“Okay, if you’re not going to talk I will”, Nikolai declared suddenly, stepping forward. “I’m sorry about today. I wasn’t thinking when I asked you to become queen.”

For a second Zoya felt hurt. _So he didn’t want to marry her?_ She gave him a confused look, trying to keep her emotions in check.

But Nikolai was not finished. “But I thought about it now.” Suddenly, he was holding a ring. And not just _some_ ring, but a huge one, with a massive blue diamond in its center. “I figured for a proper proposal I would need a ring.”

Zoya felt her jaw drop. This was not what she had expected.

And then, like it wasn’t bad enough already, Nikolai actually went down on one knee.

Zoya felt the blood rush into her face, and for a second she actually felt like fainting. This was not supposed to be happening. But she pulled herself together, regaining her voice. “Get up, Lantsov, or I’m going to slap you”, she hissed at him, watching with narrowed eyes as he chuckled and got back to his feet. Anger was better than panic. “What exactly are you doing?” she continued, her voice slightly wavering.

Nikolai shrugged. “Proposing. Again. And if I can say, being rejected two times is not exactly a nice feeling.” He gave her his best puppy dog eye look.

Zoya turned away, her arms crossed. She didn’t want to look at that ring any longer. “When did you have that made?” she wanted to know, refusing to meet his gaze.

“Tonight”, Nikolai responded, like it was a perfectly reasonable thing to do. “I thought blue would bring out your eyes.”   
  
She was actually close to strangling him this time. “You’re crazy”, she muttered. “Truly.”

Nikolai moved closer, suddenly right next to her. “Crazy for you, some might say”, he replied smoothly, charming as ever.

Zoya cast him an annoyed glance. “Compliments aren’t making this any better.” She could feel his breathing creep over the skin of her neck as he leaned down to her, pressing a kiss to her cheek. It made her shudder.

“As much as I always appreciated your _hard to get_ attitude, it’s beginning to hurt my pride”, he commented. “Now would be the perfect time to change your mind and say yes.”

Zoya glared at the ring, the diamond sparkling in the light. She wanted to agree, she just realized. She wanted to put this ring on her finger and spend the rest of her life listening to Nikolai’s charming voice, rolling her eyes at his comments, teasing him. Never before had she realized just how _much_ she wanted that. The realization hit her with an intensity she didn’t know how to process, and so she simply turned towards him and crashed her lips onto his.

If he was at all surprised by the reaction he barely showed it, instead immediately burying one hand in her hair and using another to pull her closer. Zoya pressed her body against his, her fingers running through the golden curls. For a second it felt like true peace. 

Nikolai pulled away ever so slightly, but still held onto her waist so she couldn’t slip away again. “Was that your answer?” he whispered against her lips, his hazel eyes gleaming.

She looked up at him, letting her fingers brush over the skin of his neck. “I hope you got my ring size right.”

His lips spread into a grin, and suddenly he looked so much more relieved than she ever could have imagined. Perhaps he had not been so sure of his success after all. He reached for her hand and slid the ring on which - as expected - fit perfectly.

Zoya felt the unfamiliar weight on her finger, leaning into the embrace for a moment. She could hear Nikolai’s heart beating. “I don’t know how to be queen”, she said into the silence.

She could hear him chuckle, his lips pressing a kiss to the top of her head. “You already are, my love.”


End file.
